It would seem that the holidays are upon us, the Christmas tree, New Year's Eve, presents, Jingle bells from every store, and I'm all about the sad stuff.
On the other hand, I was told today that December 22 is reset day for all life, the universe and the galaxies. No wonder the winter solstice lasts three days - so that all the worlds, people and animals had time to upgrade, oh, to renew, in our words. That's why the parting is just right.
And what is it, for a minute, difficult - to part? You say goodbye and you're gone. Or dropped out of someone's life altogether, in English.
But often the breakup process can drag on for months, years, and sometimes a lifetime. I'm referring now to those with whom we will break up anyway: former lovers, teachers, therapists, fellow travelers, those who flew away to heaven... Especially when we've lived together for many years. We create each other, after all. But even if we know each other for a few days, months, we exchange our energies, our feelings, we are filled with new knowledge, we are inspired.
Two lives touch, penetrate one into the other, leave their traces. This is where the real magic is - our presence in the life of the other and the other in ours.
It is especially hard to part with people with whom something very important has happened. Someone has witnessed our changes, has seen us become different, and therefore it is not desirable to part with them.
I remembered when I went to college after high school and lived with my aunt for six months. I admired her care for my relatives, the way she created comfort in the house, cooked meals, took care of herself, how she dressed and laughed... It took my breath away with the tenderness and warmth that both my aunt and uncle constantly shared. I watched them and absorbed it all, remembering the smallest details. It was with my aunt that I learned how to make breakfast quickly: I made the preparations in the evening, and in the morning I only had to finish them off. My aunt's preferences influenced my choice of suitors. And her inexhaustible optimism inspired me to believe in the best.
No wonder I cried and didn't want to move out: my aunt had witnessed and motivated my changes, and that was worse than the dubious freedom of the dorms.
There is a piece of your life in the people you say goodbye to. Gratitude, warmth, anger, frustration. Something didn't happen, but this is what's left. Not all of your hopes were fulfilled, but you learned from it. There were resentments, but you grew out of them. Not all of the feelings were joyful, but you were also good together, you warmed to each other when you were both cold.
It's important to figure out what you take with you and what you don't. But it's better to do it with a stop. Perhaps what was unpleasant will become useful.
Don't leave without saying goodbye to teachers, mentors, therapists. You may meet others - better, more professional, more charismatic. But they've invested a part of their lives in you, and you've invested a part of yours. Stop, think back to the moments of your meetings, what surprised you, what made you cry, what made you laugh, where you grew up. Thank each other for the warmth you shared. Tell the other person what happened to you in communication with him.
It's better not to break up with loved ones. But sometimes you have to. Something didn't work out, or your worlds don't intersect, you've fallen out of love, you've fallen out of love, you've long since left for someone else. You don't have to make anything better. You need to accept what you have. Don't look for joy if it's not there - you don't have to love everyone. If you are left with sadness or disappointment in your heart, that's okay.
Or a loved one has died. The worst thing you can do is not acknowledge his death. Often we replace the word "died" with euphemisms: gone, flown to heaven, turned into an angel. We need to say goodbye, grieve, and move on with our lives. But in your heart, in your memories, he will still remain. And if it is true that he turned into an angel, he will rejoice in your happiness to live without him.
Talk to those you want to say goodbye to.
Allow what did or didn't happen between you to live.
What didn't happen is what you expected. What do you feel? What do you notice? How do you feel about it? "I'm embarrassed and ashamed, but I'm grateful that you're still listening to me" is an important thing to say. It's very important what happens to you in that moment. This is where the change begins. You may be in pain - don't stop, listen to yourself further, notice what is happening to you. There may be tenderness, warmth, or maybe fear and anxiety.
What to make of what you notice? Nothing. That's the point - just notice. And to go on living.
Like lonely particles, we swirl in chaos, meet once and fly away again, each to its own orbit. May your parting, with whom you need to part, be beautiful and fill you with new feelings and a desire to live your life fully, your own life, not a made-up one.