Emotional addiction takes many forms-from romantic platonic friendship to passionate sensual affection. but as it develops, these relationships become increasingly troubled, painful, and frustrating. And at first these relationships look so much like love... But love creates, gives freedom and joy.
If a relationship brings suffering, it's not love, it's addiction. It's an emotional dependence on an object. The object, not the person. The point is that the dependent person endows his object of dependence with the qualities he desperately needs due to his inability to make up for the lack of them.
According to the theory of object relations, the founder of which is the British psychoanalyst William Ronald Fairbairn, who proposed a model of the development of object relations based on the transformation of the infant's dependence on the mother, the violation of emotional self-identity and, consequently, emotional dependence, is a consequence of childhood development trauma.
A wide range of situations from early infant-parent relationships can be the cause of addiction. What they have in common is that during the period of the strongest attachment, the actual fusion of the child and the mother (up to the age of 18 months), the mother broke off contact or was emotionally unavailable, not "warm", insufficiently included in contact.
When the fusion with the mother or a caring adult is broken, the child is completely defenseless, he or she is not yet capable of taking care of himself or herself. And because of the immaturity of the psyche and nervous system, it cannot experience the full range of feelings that arise: they are displaced as a defense mechanism. But these feelings overtake him or her as an adult in situations of loss of contact with a loved one. The adult at these moments feels like a defenseless, helpless child. He experiences terror, pain, despair, fear, panic, angry, resentment, sadness, impotence.
At the slightest sign of disagreement, quarrel, misunderstanding, the anxiety of the emotionally dependent critically increases. The entire history of the relationship appears to have been overridden by the current conflict and quarrel, and the possibility of a future relationship ceases to exist.
The emotionally dependent cannot appropriate the experience of the relationship. That is, it is as if their partner only exists in the present moment. Separation from the object of dependence is impossible, intolerable. Time stops, the world shrinks. Everything seems unimportant, insignificant, unnecessary, and dim. Life slows down. Suffering is almost physical, and often is. It is not uncommon for acute physical and mental health problems to develop.
These experiences are extremely painful for the addict. And then, to avoid the pain of loss and reduce anxiety, the emotionally addicted person tries to control the partner, watching his every move, look. Strive to be near, in contact 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Messages, calls, letters. Online status.
Sooner or later the partner just can't take it. Doesn't want to, and can't, the fears and anxieties of an emotional addict. Can't and won't become CO-dependent. And there is a breakup in the relationship. But it is one-sided. The emotionally dependent partner continues the relationship. This tends to manifest itself in following the former partner's life, a painful desire to get his attention.
Finally, the main thing that characterizes emotional dependency is the boundless belief that his happiness and emotional well-being and stability is entirely the responsibility of his partner or friend. An emotionally dependent person literally hands over his or her life and responsibility to the other person. He/she shoulders an unbearable burden on the partner who a priori cannot decide everything for him/her and be with him/her all the time. And even more so he cannot control and guarantee neither good mood, nor the possibility of success at work and a positive attitude.
The emotionally dependent cannot give up fantasies about his partner because they carry deep existential meaning. It symbolizes not a partner, but a relationship that saves one from confronting his cold inner world.
Emotional dependence is a kind of saving factor, a necessary form of adjustment to reality at this stage. The person dissolves in his partner, escaping from the solution of his inner problems, as if "eclipsing" what is actually impossible to solve right now, what is frightening. He "switches" to suffering in dependence, silencing the main cause of his inner pain with it. When it really hurts and we have to bear it, we bite our lips. Sometimes until it bleeds. It's the same with feelings. Even if I suffer because he doesn't love me enough, I don't feel anything else, I don't feel that intolerable feeling.
In any case, it is necessary to get out of such a relationship. How?
What should you do if he responds? If you recognize yourself in the description and realize that this is about THIS?
First of all, realize, THIS is about me.
Emotional dependence is primarily about boundaries. Denial and repression of your feelings. You have to accept and give meaning to your feelings. Emotionally dependent people don't give meaning to their feelings, devaluing them, the dependent person isn't taught to separate themselves from the other. And in order to feel good, it is necessary for the other person to feel good, too - it is as if he defines his boundaries.
It is this property, this insensitivity, that makes people endure sometimes wild abuse from their "beloved" partners, psychological and physical violence, deprecation, neglect, depreciation. Dependent people are completely insensitive to their own irritation, disgust, resentment, anger. They have difficulty recognizing their emotions, experiencing and naming them.
1.Live with reality, here and now. Don't fantasize, don't make up things for your partner. Don't form predictions, don't read between the lines. Concentrate on your breath, for example, when thoughts like that occur.
2.Love yourself. That's what you lack. Take care of yourself, a cup of coffee, a favorite movie, a book. Something that will bring positive emotions. Fill your world with emotions, feelings, impressions. Notice the details. Look around you. Try something new)
3.Keep your distance. Don't write, don't call, don't find out. As much as you don't want to. There is only what you have now, and it is important to build on that. Of course, people change, but it usually happens completely beyond our control and not at all the way we want it to. Therefore, it is important to give up contact with the object of dependence for a while, so as not to exhaust ourselves and not to deceive ourselves even more.
4.The idealization of a partner is our projection of him or her. It is a part of the personality that we give him or her. Emotionally dependent people say, "only with him can I be happy, only with him do I feel peace and joy, only with him do I feel protected and cared for. Try to appropriate all these qualities to yourself. You are the one who is capable of being gentle, caring, creating security and loving strongly. You are the one who trusts and accepts, soothes and protects. You are the one who gives happiness, warmth and care.
5.Seek support from the outside. You need it.
And it is better if the support is provided by professionals.
Good luck to you. This is your life. Live your life in happiness!
